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living with being bipolar

A fact I’ve had to accept in life is that unless a person has been in your shoes, they will never know your experiences and they could never understand the torment going on inside. I want people to understand what having bipolar is like. Granted, I’m type 2, the less server version of bipolar but it still causes daily struggles. Having bipolar means getting up in the morning and not knowing if you’ll have the energy to greet the day or if you’ll struggle to find the energy to get just get out of bed. It could mean having to smile though you’re shattered inside and having to do it so much, that even you believe the lie in your eyes. It’s going day to day, not knowing if today is the day your good mood will end or if you’ll get to enjoy it one more day. It’s getting so energetic that you either have no control over what you are doing or you become so focused on accomplishing your newest project, you literally can’t think or do anything else.  It’s going days on end, living in the darkest clouds though the sun might be shining it’s brightest. It’s knowing that no one will understand what it is you’re going through. Being a mom makes the struggles worse, because now those days you struggle to find the energy to get out of bed, you have to find it to make meals, get the children dressed and off to school, you have to decide between a clean home or smiling and laughing with your kids. And when you choose the latter, you have to deal with the silent judgment of those around you who just don’t get why your house in constantly a mess. You try to sugar coat and just come up with excuses, claiming to be a funk, the kids were crazy, you were too busy taking care of them, anything to not admit you basically failed. And knowing they know you failed anyway reinforces your knowledge in yourself that you are just a failure. It’s quite literally going from no energy and barely functioning, to a high amount of energy to falling down again and having to scrap yourself off the floor just to drag yourself around but still try to act like life is okay for you. It’s not knowing why you feel this way and what you can do to make it better. It’s continually trying to find balance so that when you hit a low spot, it’s easier to get back up. It’s knowing it’s never easy to get back up but at least with balance, you can find the strength to try. It’s the lack of sleep because you’re on a high causing you to forget things as soon as they are told to you. It’s going from high energy to just so damn exhausted. But most of all, it’s being alone because even after the person you love read this, they will still never get how real the physical pain can be, they will never know the torment inside of you; they will never know why there are always dark clouds around you, even when you are truly and perfectly happy, because the next minute, you could be right back to the depression and despair. It’s loneliness. Even when you’re on a high and have your most energy. It’s knowing that only you understand what is going on inside you. 

A history lesson of my life... well, a nut shell of a lesson

Just as an update, my wedding is in 15 days, my parents were not invited, they are not a factor in my life. I don't publicize why usually but I had some people wondering why they're not invited. In a nut shell, my mother has a problem and my father enables it and he ignores life to computer games. They were toxic to my son, William, and I for many years and after William kept behaving violently after seeing them, I made the decision that he can't go to their house anymore. Especially considering my mother's history of abuse to Jenni and I. I had the full support of my therapist and my son's school's guidance counselor. At that time, I did not say they couldn't be a part of our lives, but he was not to be alone with them ever again. Fast forward a couple years later, Steve and I move into our house and I want William's cat back that was currently residing with them. I ask my father if I can get the cat and he says yes, I plan it for a weekend that William is with his father so I can surprise him. However, my parents thought it appropriate to start yelling at me for punishing him as soon as I got there. They didn't like that my answer was that I wasn't punishing him and that he hadn't asked for them in ages. They threw me out of the house and my father was quoted with saying I was disowned (my sister had come with me to get some her stuff from their apartment and was still inside when I walked out). Mind you, I was also six months pregnant at the time, Steve was furious with them for treating that way, pregnant or not, but I believe he was more furious than he would've been if I wasn't pregnant. We decided it was in our best interest to not have them part of our lives at all, unless we saw them at family events. My therapist agreed. This was three years ago. My baby, Joshua, has seen them twice. As far as he's concerned, they don't exist and we keep it that way. William asks about them once in awhile, but as I don't call them mom or dad anymore, he doesn't refer to them as nana and papa, we call them by their first names, nothing more.
With my wedding days away, once and awhile, I wish they didn't make the choices they did that led to my choices, I wish they could have been better people, better parents so they can be a part my life and my wedding. But their not. I have zero regrets not inviting them and I will enjoy my day with Steve better without them there. But it still doesn't mean I don't wish I had better parents. I am happy to say though, I do have a father figure walking me down the aisle. Growing up, there were a couple families we were close to and I would call them mama "her name" and daddy "his name", of course, their kids were my siblings and still are. Well, one of these families, minus one member, is coming to my wedding and my Daddy Ray is walking me down the aisle, just as a father should. I feel very loved by my second family, despite it being years since I've seen them, to know they still consider my sister and I family, is a huge deal to me and to my sister. They were a positive influence in our childhood and I don't think they realize how much they truly mean to me. I'm also not sure they realize how much it means to me that they will be coming to my wedding, even if Daddy Ray wasn't walking me down the aisle, though that fact just makes it all the more special.