living with being bipolar

A fact I’ve had to accept in life is that unless a person has been in your shoes, they will never know your experiences and they could never understand the torment going on inside. I want people to understand what having bipolar is like. Granted, I’m type 2, the less server version of bipolar but it still causes daily struggles. Having bipolar means getting up in the morning and not knowing if you’ll have the energy to greet the day or if you’ll struggle to find the energy to get just get out of bed. It could mean having to smile though you’re shattered inside and having to do it so much, that even you believe the lie in your eyes. It’s going day to day, not knowing if today is the day your good mood will end or if you’ll get to enjoy it one more day. It’s getting so energetic that you either have no control over what you are doing or you become so focused on accomplishing your newest project, you literally can’t think or do anything else.  It’s going days on end, living in the darkest clouds though the sun might be shining it’s brightest. It’s knowing that no one will understand what it is you’re going through. Being a mom makes the struggles worse, because now those days you struggle to find the energy to get out of bed, you have to find it to make meals, get the children dressed and off to school, you have to decide between a clean home or smiling and laughing with your kids. And when you choose the latter, you have to deal with the silent judgment of those around you who just don’t get why your house in constantly a mess. You try to sugar coat and just come up with excuses, claiming to be a funk, the kids were crazy, you were too busy taking care of them, anything to not admit you basically failed. And knowing they know you failed anyway reinforces your knowledge in yourself that you are just a failure. It’s quite literally going from no energy and barely functioning, to a high amount of energy to falling down again and having to scrap yourself off the floor just to drag yourself around but still try to act like life is okay for you. It’s not knowing why you feel this way and what you can do to make it better. It’s continually trying to find balance so that when you hit a low spot, it’s easier to get back up. It’s knowing it’s never easy to get back up but at least with balance, you can find the strength to try. It’s the lack of sleep because you’re on a high causing you to forget things as soon as they are told to you. It’s going from high energy to just so damn exhausted. But most of all, it’s being alone because even after the person you love read this, they will still never get how real the physical pain can be, they will never know the torment inside of you; they will never know why there are always dark clouds around you, even when you are truly and perfectly happy, because the next minute, you could be right back to the depression and despair. It’s loneliness. Even when you’re on a high and have your most energy. It’s knowing that only you understand what is going on inside you.