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living with being bipolar

A fact I’ve had to accept in life is that unless a person has been in your shoes, they will never know your experiences and they could never understand the torment going on inside. I want people to understand what having bipolar is like. Granted, I’m type 2, the less server version of bipolar but it still causes daily struggles. Having bipolar means getting up in the morning and not knowing if you’ll have the energy to greet the day or if you’ll struggle to find the energy to get just get out of bed. It could mean having to smile though you’re shattered inside and having to do it so much, that even you believe the lie in your eyes. It’s going day to day, not knowing if today is the day your good mood will end or if you’ll get to enjoy it one more day. It’s getting so energetic that you either have no control over what you are doing or you become so focused on accomplishing your newest project, you literally can’t think or do anything else.  It’s going days on end, living in the darkest clouds though the sun might be shining it’s brightest. It’s knowing that no one will understand what it is you’re going through. Being a mom makes the struggles worse, because now those days you struggle to find the energy to get out of bed, you have to find it to make meals, get the children dressed and off to school, you have to decide between a clean home or smiling and laughing with your kids. And when you choose the latter, you have to deal with the silent judgment of those around you who just don’t get why your house in constantly a mess. You try to sugar coat and just come up with excuses, claiming to be a funk, the kids were crazy, you were too busy taking care of them, anything to not admit you basically failed. And knowing they know you failed anyway reinforces your knowledge in yourself that you are just a failure. It’s quite literally going from no energy and barely functioning, to a high amount of energy to falling down again and having to scrap yourself off the floor just to drag yourself around but still try to act like life is okay for you. It’s not knowing why you feel this way and what you can do to make it better. It’s continually trying to find balance so that when you hit a low spot, it’s easier to get back up. It’s knowing it’s never easy to get back up but at least with balance, you can find the strength to try. It’s the lack of sleep because you’re on a high causing you to forget things as soon as they are told to you. It’s going from high energy to just so damn exhausted. But most of all, it’s being alone because even after the person you love read this, they will still never get how real the physical pain can be, they will never know the torment inside of you; they will never know why there are always dark clouds around you, even when you are truly and perfectly happy, because the next minute, you could be right back to the depression and despair. It’s loneliness. Even when you’re on a high and have your most energy. It’s knowing that only you understand what is going on inside you. 

A history lesson of my life... well, a nut shell of a lesson

Just as an update, my wedding is in 15 days, my parents were not invited, they are not a factor in my life. I don't publicize why usually but I had some people wondering why they're not invited. In a nut shell, my mother has a problem and my father enables it and he ignores life to computer games. They were toxic to my son, William, and I for many years and after William kept behaving violently after seeing them, I made the decision that he can't go to their house anymore. Especially considering my mother's history of abuse to Jenni and I. I had the full support of my therapist and my son's school's guidance counselor. At that time, I did not say they couldn't be a part of our lives, but he was not to be alone with them ever again. Fast forward a couple years later, Steve and I move into our house and I want William's cat back that was currently residing with them. I ask my father if I can get the cat and he says yes, I plan it for a weekend that William is with his father so I can surprise him. However, my parents thought it appropriate to start yelling at me for punishing him as soon as I got there. They didn't like that my answer was that I wasn't punishing him and that he hadn't asked for them in ages. They threw me out of the house and my father was quoted with saying I was disowned (my sister had come with me to get some her stuff from their apartment and was still inside when I walked out). Mind you, I was also six months pregnant at the time, Steve was furious with them for treating that way, pregnant or not, but I believe he was more furious than he would've been if I wasn't pregnant. We decided it was in our best interest to not have them part of our lives at all, unless we saw them at family events. My therapist agreed. This was three years ago. My baby, Joshua, has seen them twice. As far as he's concerned, they don't exist and we keep it that way. William asks about them once in awhile, but as I don't call them mom or dad anymore, he doesn't refer to them as nana and papa, we call them by their first names, nothing more.
With my wedding days away, once and awhile, I wish they didn't make the choices they did that led to my choices, I wish they could have been better people, better parents so they can be a part my life and my wedding. But their not. I have zero regrets not inviting them and I will enjoy my day with Steve better without them there. But it still doesn't mean I don't wish I had better parents. I am happy to say though, I do have a father figure walking me down the aisle. Growing up, there were a couple families we were close to and I would call them mama "her name" and daddy "his name", of course, their kids were my siblings and still are. Well, one of these families, minus one member, is coming to my wedding and my Daddy Ray is walking me down the aisle, just as a father should. I feel very loved by my second family, despite it being years since I've seen them, to know they still consider my sister and I family, is a huge deal to me and to my sister. They were a positive influence in our childhood and I don't think they realize how much they truly mean to me. I'm also not sure they realize how much it means to me that they will be coming to my wedding, even if Daddy Ray wasn't walking me down the aisle, though that fact just makes it all the more special.

So here it is...

So, I don't write in this blog often or ever really. I don't know why but sometimes I feel inclined to share a part of my life with the masses or maybe the one or two people who actually read this. I started a home daycare back in December and it's kept me pretty busy. Currently have four kids enrolled and then there is my Joshua. I love that I get to stay home with him all day, be home when William needs me and still make some money to help support our family. This is going to be extremely short as I have to get Joshua in the bath and argue with William to take a shower (yep, he's still stubborn lol). Hopefully will start using this thing more often though. If I manage to, then stay tuned for some adventures with Joshua and William, my two angels.

Some Halloween fun!

So, since this the first year I get to really decorate, I thought I'd share some of the fun I've been having here. Halloween is a week and a half away and my first Halloween party is next weekend, but I'm still not done yet! There will be more to come!

New 30 Day Challenge

So, the last thirty day challenge failed on me. Why? Because it was the same exercises everyday. BORING!! So, I looked up new ones and found a website full of them. I also found a new challenge that isn't so boring. :)

As you can see, each day is different exercises, I'm pretty psyched. For those interested in joining me in this challenge, the website I found the challenge at has a list of the exercises and how to do them:

http://30dayfitnesschallenges.com/fitness-techniques/

If you're interested in any other challenges, this site has many, check them out :)

So, how did you do with the last 30 day challenge? Will you try this one?

Ha! Challenge accepted!

Found these online, the crunch challenge kind of failed (crunches are boring lol), but combining these three and now there is a challenge and I accept!

I challenge you! Do you accept?

What about the boys?

Seriously, I titled this blog "adventures with William and Joshua" and who do I not write about? My two wonderful boys, of course. Not cool, not one bit. I love my children. So, let's talk about what is new in their lives.

William probably has the most to tell since he's older. William actually has two siblings, a fact he only recently learned. He has his brother, Joshua and a sister, Melanie. He's such an angel because despite not knowing for a year that Melanie is his sister, he accepted this fact with open arms and hasn't yet asked the difficult questions (like why it took us a year to tell him). Joshua and Melanie are six months apart and thankfully, her mommy is a good friend of mine. William also just finished second grade and started off his summer right by visiting his grandparents for a week (he comes home tomorrow). William has a girlfriend who is a couple years older than him and her sister wants to be his girlfriend too, lol.

Now to my little boy. Joshua is learning to crawl and just started being able to put himself in a sitting position. He started solids on June 1 and tried peas for the first time today, he liked them. His favorites so far are avocados and carrots. We do a mixture of jarred baby food, homemade purees, and soft or streamed fruits and veggies. This works for us. He's also learning to put himself to sleep without doing the cry it out method. He actually slept by himself in his crib last night from 10:30-4:30, longest stretch by himself yet, I usually only get that kind of stretch when he sleeps with us.

Okay, I think you're up to date on my boys for now. We're going camping next weekend. It will be Joshua's first time going and William's first time in a tent alone. It should be interesting, fun and a learning experience.

Tell me about your kids. Also, do you have any experience taking a baby camping or any funny camping stories? I want to hear all about them. :-)

DIY Dish Soap

I'm loving making my own soaps and such. I had a friend yesterday who learned (from me) about the problem with Johnson's and Johnson's, as well as, most chemical cleaners. She was shocked to learn it. I ended up sharing all my recipes at once with her, except this one. I knew I was posting it soon and didn't want to type it out twice. Anyway, onward to the recipe!!

Ingredients:

• 1 3/4 cups boiling water
• 2 Tbsp Borax
• 2 Tbsp Washing Soda
• 4 Tbsp grated bar soap (I used an all natural glycerin based soap, unscented and moisturizer free, use whichever you prefer, I recommend something natural though)
• 15-20 drops lemon essential oil (you could do a different scent, I chose lemon because I hoped it would add to the grease fighting power)

1. Combine soap, washing soda and borax in a bowl.
2. Pour boiling water over them.
3. Stir to dissolve and allow to cool overnight. It'll thicken as it sits.
4. Blend it up to get a nice smooth consistency.
5. Add essential oils and then poor mixture into squirt bottle. (You can recycle that commercial bottle you just emptied :) )
6. Clean your dishes!

Happy cleaning!!

DIY Laundry Soap

Blasphemy! How could I have not shared this yet? "This" being my cloth diaper friendly laundry soap (detergent? What's the difference?) This has worked for cloth diapers, kids' clothes, my clothes and my fiancée's muddy, grubby work clothes (ladies, if you're men work outside, you know what I'm talking about).

Ingriedents:
1 bar soap, grated ( I use an all natural glycerine based soap I bought at the local natural food store)
1 1/2 cup washing soda ( found in the laundry aisle of most grocery stores)
1 1/2 cup baking soda
Optional: essential oils for fragerance (I don't do this as I don't want it in my cloth diapers)

Mix ingredients together and store in some kind of Tupperware. Use about 1/8  cup per load with about a tablespoon vinegar in the bleach compartment. Ta-da!  Clean clothes. We have an HE machine, if you don't, should probably use more soap.

Do you make your own laundry soap? What is your recipe like?

Breezybot: FREE PATTERN - Breezybot Loopy Daisy

I like this flower pattern, check it out

Breezybot: FREE PATTERN - Breezybot Loopy Daisy: These patterns are for  personal use only; to sell items made from this pattern, please contact me at breezybot@hotmail.com . Please do not...

DIY Dryer Sheets

A friend of mine shared this really great recipe for dryer sheets. You can use pretty much any material to make them (she used cut up of towels,I cut up an old sheet, both worked). These are awesome so I wanted I share them.

store these in an airtight Tupperware container or an empty baby wipe container-anything with a tight-fitting lid. 

Take 3 cups water, 1 cup vinegar & 1 cup hair conditioner & mix well. Put the dish towel squares in the container, and poor the fabric softener solution over the top of all of them making sure they are all very wet. when you get ready to dry clothes, just grab one of the wet fabrics and throw it in with your clothes. They will not smell like vinegar, they will come out very soft and actually smell very good. 
take the fabric square that you got from the dryer that is now completely dry and just throw it back in the bottom of the container so it gets all wet and repeat the process. Easy!

Why wool?

So as promised, here is information on wool covers.

Why is wool good?

• ·         Wool absorbs the moisture which then dries quickly, making wool self-cleaning
• ·         Wool, like cotton, can keep you warm when your cold and keep you cool when you’re hot.
• ·         It is a natural fiber
• ·         Allows the skin to breath, making it great to ward off or treat a rash
• ·         Wool is antibacterial
• ·         Doesn’t get smelly and can go weeks before needing to be washed

What are the drawbacks?

• ·         The only drawback I can currently find it is best to hand wash wool and if you don’t normally, this could be extra work for you
• ·         The lanolin can wear off eventually

How do you wash wool?

• ·         Some wool is machine washable, others need to be hand washed (best by hand)
• ·         First, rinse the cover.
• ·         Next, fill the sink with warm water and your soap (many kinds out there, I recommend using one with lanolin otherwise, you have to do an extra step.)
• ·         Gently press the wool.
• ·         Rinse
• ·         Do NOT wring out
• ·         Roll your cover in a towel and press it
• ·         Reshape and lay flat to dry
• What is the process to waterproof (lanonilize) wool?
• ·         Get very hot, but not boiling, water in a glass jar
• ·         Add lanolin (think nipple cream from your early breastfeeding days),  only 1 tsp-1 tbsp
• ·         Shake till all the lanolin is dissolved
• ·         Add to the lukewarm water and wash like normal

What are longies/shorties/skirties?

• Longies and shorties are pants and shorts that are used instead of a diaper cover. A skirtie is essentially shorties with ruffles or a skirt added over. They are all generally made of wool or fleece. They can be crocheted, knitted or sewn. Some moms actually recycle old sweaters to make these.

So, what do you think? Will you give wool covers a try?

Sources:

http://www.diaperjungle.com/advantages-of-wool.html

http://bottomsandbeyondboutique.com/wool-cloth-diaper-covers/

http://www.greenmountaindiapers.com/lanolize.html

http://www.littlespruceorganics.com/pages/Wool-Care-.html

I have a goal, might be a little crazy

Every since I learned how bad chemical and commercial based cleaners can be, I wanted to go all natural with them. I do buy stuff at the store that claims to be all natural which is great but I have a goal to take it one step further. I plan to slowly and systematically replace every cleaner and body wash and shampoo, etc in my house with homemade, diy alternatives. It's crazy,I know but it can be done. I've been reading about it and how it is healthier and more cost effective. I just want to do it now. My plan is as we start to run out of things, I'll make replacements. Since we're pretty set on most things now, I'm going to take this time to research. I'm starting with laundry detergent. Wish me luck!

Finally learned to make booties!

Took three attempts but I managed to make some cute booties for Joshua!
I found the pattern here
When William comes home, I'll share the wallet I made him. :-)

30 day crunch challenge

This is mainly a note for myself. I decided to do a 30 crunch challenge starting today. I'm started with 50 crunches and still increase by 5 every day. Every five days I'll take a day off to allow my muscles to rest. So far so good with 50 today.